Making decisions about where kids will live is among the most frightening and challenging tasks of divorce. The prospect of not being with your children all the time is distressing. The idea of losing your kids is even worse. The worries--and the disputes that can come from them--often are intensified by conventional legal language: Either Mom or Dad wins custody, while the loser just gets "visitation rights."
Excellent parenting isn't a contest. Moms and dads can take various approaches to both legal settlements and the child-rearing contracts they build. Like many specialists, I prefer to consider this difficult job as creating a parenting strategy, a legal contract that define a clear, particular schedule for children in addition to guidelines for each moms and dad's co-parenting duties and function in choice making. In truth, you do not even need to use terms like custody and visitation in your parenting plan.
Bear in mind that one size does not fit all. The strategy you and your child's other parent develop will be as special as each of the individuals in your divorced family. The ideal strategy will take into factor to consider all of your relative' needs-- particularly your kids's requirements. Aim to see this experience through your kids's eyes. It will probably be quite different from yours.
Here are a few tips for exactly what your plan should include:
The Important Elements
- A clear, well-defined schedule consisting of provisions for vacations, trips, school holidays, and so on.
- An outline of who is responsible for making which decisions and how those choices are made if both moms and dads are responsible.
- A schedule for who offers transportation to the other parent's house and to extracurricular events, and so on.
- An overview of the monetary obligations for each moms and dad.
- A breakdown of particular parenting obligations (e.g. who stays home when a kid is sick; who goes on school sightseeing tour and other occasions; who helps with homework; who takes kids to medical and dental visits, and so on).
- A method for handling differences when they emerge.
- A system for sharing info.
- A timetable to evaluate and change the parenting plan if needed.
A Few General Rules to Consider
Divorce has to do with you and your co-parent, but parenting strategies are about the kids. Subsequently, a couple of additional rules can go a long method toward helping them make the transition, such as:
Do all you can to prevent your kids from hearing anything disparaging about the other moms and dad, whether from your own mouth or somebody else's. Many kids will internalize any criticism of a moms and dad as criticism of themselves.
Do not turn your kids into messengers between you. Especially if it's bad news, your children will concern frown at one or both of you for forcing that duty on their shoulders rather of managing it yourself.
Do not try to force your kids to distance themselves from the other moms and dad. That includes not forcing them to call your co-parent by his or her given name and not demanding your children calling your brand-new partner "Mom" or "Dad". Children need both moms and dads in order to mature psychologically and mentally healthy, specifically right away after the divorce. They might grow closer to one or the other parent over time, however you shouldn't press it.
